Facing Demons

Chapter 4 Meditation

After my experience with the Divine Energy in the orchard I began to look to the future again, but now it was a different and full of light with new awareness and understanding. I told no one about what had happened to me, they would have thought that I’d gone crazy.

I had to put my life back together and worked out a more effective way of coping. The doctor I saw prescribed anti-depressants, but I only used them for a short time. I needed to learn to live again. The big difference being I knew that God was with me and inside me, I was connected to The Source and had guidance. I liken it a little to learning to ride a bicycle. At first you fall off a lot, but gradually it gets easier and easier. I was also aware from that point on I was entirely responsible for everything that happened in my life. Every thought, word and deed. Sometimes when I fell off the bike it hurt and I would lie there for a while before getting back on, gradually staying on for longer and longer periods.

I learnt to fill my head with nice thoughts, hymns and songs and to recognise the good parts of myself. While working in the orchard, songs would just pop into my head. Sometimes these would go around and around like a damaged record before I would realise they contained the answers to my most pressing problems. Having been up so many wrong roads already I wanted to do what was right for me. At one point I tried to tell Harry what had happened, but with no success. He looked at me as if I really had gone nuts and then ignored me completely. That was the last time that I ever mentioned it to anyone for years to come.

I still found it difficult to use the word ‘God’. In another culture it may have been ‘Budda’ because I could not think of that glorious light energy as anything associated with a ‘man’ type figure. All the hypocrisies and injustices I had seen through my upbringing were connected with the church and religion. My new belief I kept hidden deep within myself.

Jane, a friend of mine was attending a spiritual self-development group. When I began to show an interest, she asked me if I would like to go along. It was nice to be with people working towards good and who talked about working in the light. I listened carefully and only accepted what felt right to me, but failed to learn one very important point that later was to nearly cost my son Jim his life.

There were things in my life that I had not yet found the courage to change, even though I knew them to be wrong. Harry and I were still involved in our cosy little foursome. One night while I was out with this man called Jack, I heard a voice telling me that what I was doing was wrong. At the time it seemed to be just a gentle warning. I pushed it aside and continued with the relationship. A couple of weeks later while in the same circumstance a voice came to me as if spoken through a loud haler, I nearly jumped out of my skin.

It said, “Thou shalt not commit adultery. You have a choice to make, either you continue in this fashion or you choose a spiritual path. It is your decision!”
I got such a fright at the possibility of having to live the rest of my life as it had been, that I told Jack there and then that my affair with him was over. To me there was not a choice.

Our domestic and working lives were closely tied in with Jack and his wife Ann. We shared barbecues with them two to three times a week, helping with each other’s orchards and sharing kiwi fruit picking and packing. The picking and packing season was just about to commence. I knew that I would need every ounce of strength that I could muster to get through it. Harry and Ann did not want to end their affair and Jack would not let go. The pressure from the other three to resume the affair was constant and unrelenting. Because of the way our businesses worked together it was important that we were all on good terms with each other. I stayed polite and friendly, but stood firm in my decision. The warning I had been given was very definite and I desperately craved a better way of life.

I had to do something to help myself cope. Meditation and its benefits had been introduced to me through the spiritual group I attended and thought it could help. It is frequently said that meditation is the way to clear your mind, centre yourself and to tune into your own energy or the light within. All that was required was to sit comfortably in a quiet place, ask for guidance and protection from the guiding powers and relax your body and mind. It turned out to be a far more difficult task than I would ever have believed. To start with, five minutes of this would seem like an hour. My mind would not stay quiet or controlled without some thought racing through it. I had never realised I had such little control over my mind.

I experimented with many different ways to Meditate to find the one best suited to me. The following are a few of the methods I tried that might work for you.
 Concentrate on breathing in slowly to the count of six, hold for four, breathe out slowly to the count of six and hold for four, and so on.
 Slow your breathing by counting to four on the inward breath, breathing in relaxation, hold for four and breathing out tension to the count of four.
 As you became aware of thoughts, visualise them one by one entering a big balloon and watch until it carries that thought away thus letting no other thoughts enter your mind until the previous one had disappeared.
 Visualize a flower with many petals and watch the petals unfolding slowly one at a time.
 Visualize a flame in your heart imagining it as a life force connected to The Source and watching it flicker and grow until you become immersed in it.
 Imagine golden white light pouring down through the top of your head filling your body, connecting with your soul essence, and radiating through and out from yourself.
 Sit comfortably, starting at the toes, tensing and relaxing the muscles. Gradually work through your whole body until you are totally relaxed.
 Listen to gentle relaxing music or talk through meditation tapes.

Through practice and perseverance I slowed my thought pattern and began experiencing moments of silence filled with calmness and serenity. Twenty minutes meditation became the norm.

This was a wonderful process of rejuvenation for me and through it I found the strength to support me through many more long difficult times to come. It kept me in touch with the ‘I AM’ inside. The ‘I AM’ being the spark of life or God within each of us, our life force or soul essence. I nurtured this inner strength and began to discover my true self.

I read many books about spiritual growth, healing and self-awareness during this time to help broaden my understanding and knowledge.

 

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