Mumma to Be

Hilarious and informative. Mumma to Be is entertaining while helping first time mums with so many tips and tricks and what to expect.

Chapter 1 excerpt

The nosy truth
Your nose often begins to have a new lease on life. You
can actually begin to smell things you never even knew
had a scent; the whole world smells like a different place,
like a shitty place really. Grocery shopping never bothered
me until I was pregnant. The smell of fish in the supermarket
made me want to be physically sick. Not only was
it the smell that had my tummy turning, but the way the
fish were so freely displayed on top of the ice. Walking
past a professional nail shop was the worst, the smell of
acrylic was so toxic I could feel it seeping into my lungs.
In my first trimester we flew to Melbourne, which
meant we spent a lot of time in and out of cabs. Lurking
in the cab seats were aromas from the passengers
before us. I should have been travelling with a puke
bucket. I could identify each person who had travelled
prior to us and could tell you if they were a smoker, an
elderly person, a drunk or someone in desperate need
of a better perfume choice!

My next newfound smell, much to my dismay, was my
husband’s behind! If my husband passed wind a mile away
I would smell it. Due to its intense, vulgar smell it would
not only follow me but also really irritate me! Seriously,
what do men eat that is so different from us females? This
was an unpleasant part of the pregnancy; surprisingly
I never did puke even from the most shocking smells,
although I did contribute to some of them (keep reading!).
My husband and I were sitting in the living room
when this mouth-wrenching odour filled the room. My
nose scrunched up, the powerful fumes had made their
way right up into my nasal passage. I took one look at
my husband. “Honestly, you could have left the room,”
I said in one of those nasty tones.
He knew how much my sense of smell had heightened.
He turns to me and says, “That wasn’t one of
mine.” Like his farts come labelled?
What, that was me? Had that come from my innocent
cheeks? I had no warning whatsoever, no rumble
of the tummy to let me know it was on its way, no
preparation time to squeeze my butt cheeks to prevent
this horrid smell. I had become a pregnant walking
whoopee cushion.
TIP: I must squeeze my cheeks at all times in public.
It will prevent me from passing wind and it will be a
workout for my butt at the same time! So ladies, not
only do we have to get used to our new sense of smell,
sniffing the entire world that smells like shit, we now
have to train our ass that has a mind of its own!

 

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Chapter 2 excerpt

Months of madness — let me introduce the
crazy chick!
At the start of my pregnancy I was feeling invincible. I
was a powerful woman carrying a baby — how special
is this? I felt like I could conquer the world. Entering
the second chapter of my pregnancy this changed. The
feeling of being invincible was soon replaced with feelings
of craziness. On the arrival of the second trimester
my hormones started to do a freak show!
With my hormones winning an Oscar for the BEST
freak show, my husband sure deserved an award for
putting up with me. I had a vicious “uncontrollable”
cycle that would be triggered by the most minor things
and to be honest, sometimes nothing at all. A typical
cycle would start by me either getting shitty with
something my husband has done or said or I could just
get in a shitty for no reason (hormones). Then I would
be in a foul and ugly mood and the freak show starts
with me being an utter cow (not intentional). I said
hurtful things that I really didn’t mean. Then I’d cool
off and calm down and the guilt settled in; I would feel
horrible and apologise profusely. Next day, something
MINOR triggers me off, I dramatise the situation (not
intentionally), the cow in me rears its ugly head, I come
to my senses yet again and apologise. This is what I call
the uncontrollable vicious cycle, operative word being
UNCONTROLLABLE!
An example of what could trigger off this happy cycle
was that I would think my husband didn’t want sex
with me. I was getting fatter and my boobs were reaching
my knees, and my nipples, well, who knew what was
happening to them! Those suckers may start out looking
pretty and peachy-pink and then change into these
chocolate-looking friggin’ freckles! Fun body changes
are discussed further on in the book; something to
reassure you — you are not alone! If it was turning me
off, what hope did my husband have? In saying this,
he actually never commented or said anything about
my changing body to make me think this stuff, it was
just me being a typical female and putting these crazy
thoughts in my own head and actually believing them.
And to be honest, he wasn’t stupid enough to comment
or make fun of my changing body.

 

 

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